


150 Questions Later

by agentsimmons



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. References, Canon Divergence - Post-Avengers (2012), Crack, Fluff and Crack, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied Relationships, Implied Slash, M/M, Matchmaking, Minor Clint Barton/Phil Coulson, Natasha Romanov Is Not A Robot, Over the Top, Science Boyfriends, Science Bros, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-09
Updated: 2016-06-09
Packaged: 2018-07-13 23:09:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7141991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agentsimmons/pseuds/agentsimmons
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Avengers take a compatibility test and each end up with a list of their Top 5 matches. It seems like a complete bust. Until it isn't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	150 Questions Later

**Author's Note:**

> It was 2 a.m. I was sad. I cried. I needed crack to dry my tears. I was too lazy to go searching through the tag or my bookmarks. So I wrote my own. Includes OOC, OTT, and all the in between. Quite literally so cracky that my more awake brain isn't even sure it makes sense. *shrug* Not edited at the moment; will try to edit any glaring errors later. 
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't actually ship every single suggested 'match' in this fic, which is kind of the point. Some are there for my 2 a.m. commentary and some are there for the lulz and some are there because I do ship it and may get around to writing actual fics for said ships someday.

"Shit. I'm fucked."  Everyone's attention turns toward the archer who'd just muttered loud enough for everyone else to hear him.

The Avengers had been lounging in a post-battle haze, no one willing to do much of anything other than just sit there in separate little worlds. Thor had turned on a movie that Steve and Natasha were both partially watching while also partially doing their own thing – Natasha reading a magazine and Steve reading the actual funnies page of one of the only papers that still delivered hard copies by subscription. Meanwhile Tony and Bruce had sat down on the loveseat with a large enough tablet between them that they could unwind with science, sketching out in tandem potential upgrades for the QuinJet.

Now, of course, they're all looking at Clint curiously. He looks up from his laptop and clearly contemplates whether or not to spill, but sighs and gives a shrug as if to say why not.

"Some tech nerd at The Academy created," he looks at his laptop reading verbatim, "the most superior personality matching algorithm in existence. It is an ongoing project now open to all S.H.I.E.L.D. agents and employees for participation in order to gather outside data." He looks up again. "It's a hell of a personality test that's for sure. It matches you to a list of Top 5 likely compatible partners from the pool of those who have already taken it. It even recalculates when new, better matches appear in the database. It says though a person may be on someone's list it doesn't necessarily mean he or she will be on the other person's list, indicating either a person's general type or some conflict that may need to be resolved before reaching stronger compatibility. The more two people's list matches, the more compatible they are and more likely to be a good match."

He scratches his head and shrugs. They all sit in silent contemplation for a moment, processing the bizarre algorithm.

"Okay, first off, tech nerd was offensive," Tony, of course, is the first to respond. "Second of all this kid probably has a couple of masters or, hell, even a doctorate. But he's going to waste his genius on creating a glorified eHarmony exclusive to S.H.I.E.L.D. workers?"

"Well, it says here," Bruce interrupts and Tony looks down at their tablet with a furrowed brow, "that while it's being used for social experimentation now, the purpose is to develop the technology for advance matching of compatible partners in the field and in the office, the matching of potential agents with targets and missions, and more." He shrugs his shoulders and head. "Seems plausible."

"You did not seriously just pull up this teen girl quiz, Bruce. Really? You?" Tony looks at him incredulously.

"I'm curious. Meow," he deadpans.

"Fine, fine. We can take it for the sake of," Tony air quotes, "'science.' Besides, you know I can't resist it when you make cat noises."

"Does he do that a lot?" Clint asks with a mildly disturbed expression.

"Do you really want that question answered?" Natasha retorts.

"I think is sounds like fun," Steve interjects. "We should all do it. Good teambuilding."

And that's how they all end up taking the 150 question quiz from hell, as Tony calls it at one point. "How is any of this supposed to mean a thing in finding someone you're compatible with?" he grumbles and he's met with some agreement.

One by one they finish and proceed to sit in a tense silence, each looking over their results and very decidedly not at one another. It's only broken when Clint mutters, "What the hell, it _does_ recalculate."

"Wait," Tony says, finally perking up, "that means… Did it just match you to one of us?"

"No way, Stark," Clint says and crosses his arms.

"Oh come on," Tony grouses. "This doesn't mean anything if it did, right? It was just for fun. 'Teambuilding' right? I didn't just answer 150 convoluted questions for no reason." Yet for all his bravado there's a hint of nervousness underlying his tone.

"Tony's right," Natasha speaks up. "Let's say the hell with it and break out the alcohol. We'll go clockwise starting with Clint."

"Hey," Clint counters, "why me?"

"You started this," she says with a simple shrug and goes over to the bar to grab some alcohol and glasses.

Tony gets up and helps her. He also grabs the specially mixed and heavily watered down stuff stashed there just for Bruce and pours the physicist two fingers of that. When he comes back over and hands it to him, Bruce smiles gratefully at him.

"Okay, Barton," Tony looks at him and brings his drink to his lips, "let's hear your list."

Clint sighs in defeat. "Number 5, Dr. Banner." Tony practically chokes on his drink and Bruce squeaks in surprise.

"What?" Tony looks between them dubiously. "What would you ever see in Barton?"

Bruce looks at him with a small frown. "He's a great guy, Tony. Funny, loyal, caring, dedicated, skilled—"

"Aww, that's sweet, Doc," Clint says in a teasing tone. Then his face scrunches. "Wait. Am I on your list?"

"Mmm," Bruce shakes his head, "no. Sorry. Maybe you're just outside the Top 5," he offers.

"Huh. Interesting," Clint says.

"What's interesting about it?" Tony mumbles. He then says, "Okay, who's going to keep score to see which of us end up with the most compatibility, hmm? If we're going all in here. JARVIS?"

Suddenly a holoscreen appears where they can all see it. "I shall make an ongoing tally of intersecting matches," JARVIS says. "Currently Dr. Banner is on Agent Barton's list, but not the other way around. I will also parse this data with my own advanced algorithms, if you wish."

"That's my boy," Tony says proudly. "Take this Academy kid to school."

"Number 4," Clint continues, "Daisy Johnson. Eh, more like a little sister since she's always hanging with Coulson. Number 3," he shivers, "the Calvalry."

"Melinda May? Really?" Natasha raises a brow. "I don't recall 'do you have a death wish?' being a question on that quiz. You couldn't handle her," she says.

He shrugs. "She's not so bad when you get to know her. Number 2," he sighs and mumbles, "Bobbi Morse."

"Why do I get the feeling there's a story there?" Tony raises an eyebrow.

"There is," Natasha says with a smirk.

"Alright, alright, don't keep us waiting," Tony urges. "Who's our resident bird's number one? Let me guess? Romanoff?"

"Uh, no."

"Wait, Natasha's not even on your list?" Bruce shares a confused glance with Tony. Steve and Thor seem surprised as well.

"Spoiler alert, he's not on mine either," Natasha says with a shrug and takes a shot. "No algorithm in the world could compute our very unique relationship."

"Friends with benefits?" Tony quips with a cock of his head.

"Maybe. Maybe not," she says with a wry smile. She then looks at Clint. "Okay, so who is it?"

"It's Coulson," he says.

Everyone's eyes widen, especially Natasha's, and they look at each other and back at him. Then there's a round of laughter from everyone save Bruce.

"Oh wow," Tony replies, "you _are_ fucked aren't you?"

"Yeah, whatever," Clint says. "It's your turn, Tasha."

While she reaches for her tablet, Bruce whispers in Tony's ear and the engineer looks at him with a raised brow. "Number 5, Bruce," she says casually and Tony immediately snaps his head back in her direction.

"The hell? You too?" Tony studies her harshly. He then looks at Bruce. "Is she on your list?"

"Sorry, Tasha," Bruce answers that with a smile in the woman's direction. "You're amazing, but there's obviously some conflict that would need to be resolved," he says in a mockingly apologetic tone.

She snorts. "Then hurry your ass up and resolve it." He chuckles as do the others, minus Tony who just taps his fingers against his thighs like a nervous tick. "Number 4, Maria Hill." She hums and shrugs, immediately regaining Tony's attention. "Number 3, Sharon Carter."

Clint wolf whistles and Tony says, "I will pay you a million dollars to film it."

She rolls her eyes. "Number 2, and honestly I'm a little surprised, Thor."

"Why are you surprised?" Thor asks like he's genuinely hurt by her comment. "Would I not make a good lover?"

"An amazing one probably," Natasha says easily. "Just most people probably wouldn't look at us and think it would work. I don't know, maybe it's my soft spot for big guys." She bats her lashes melodramatically at Bruce and he groans and shakes his head.

"Stop flirting with him, he's only your Number 5," Tony says to that.

"Relax, Stark," she says pointedly.

"You are not on my list," Thor supplies. "But I am sure you would make an excellent lover just the same."

"I'll pay you for that video too," Tony offers.

She mutters in Russian then takes another shot. "My number 1 is Sam Wilson. Your turn—" She looks at Steve in confusion and they all turn their attention to him. He sits there looking as pale as a sheet. "What's wrong?"

"Uh… I…" He laughs nervously and rubs the back of his neck. "Not sure who was cheating off of who, but…" They all share confused glances. Finally he sighs and clears his throat. "Number 5, Dr. Banner."

"NOPE!" Tony declares dramatically and Bruce startles slightly before looking at him strangely. Tony shakes his head. "I forbid it. I absolutely forbid it. You can't—" Tony studies Bruce closer. "Oh my god, don't tell me he's on your list. Don't you dare—" His eyes widen. "He's _on_ your damn list, isn't he? What the hell? This thing is a lying liar that lies. That's what it is."

"Tony, just breathe," Bruce says calmly. "Let Steve finish his list. I'm not the only person on there and, no offense to him, but I'm not about to go jump his bones just because a computer tells me it might work out."

"That's reassuring," Steve says. "So, uh, yeah… Number 4, Maria Hill."

"Well, you do like them feisty and in charge," Tony teases, though with less enthusiasm than usual and his eyes are still on Bruce in a hard study.

"Number 3, Sharon Carter," he says next.

"That just seems wildly inappropriate," Tony comments and finally looks back at the Captain.

"Why?" Steve challenges. "It's not like I'd want to date her just because she reminds me of Peggy. What kind of person do you think I am? I'd have to be attracted to her as an individual and be damn sure or else it would be just as weird for me."

"Okay, but you've got to admit," Tony counters, "it would be like you wanting to date me even though you were friends with my old man. It's kinky for some and seriously disturbing for others. I mean could you imagine just sitting at dinner and saying, 'Oh let me tell you this one time your aunt Peggy did such and such. Good times. Wanna go make out?'"

"I would never say any of that," Steve protests. "But I'll concede that's it's probably disturbing to some people," he says with a nod. "Maybe why she's not my one or two. That would be Thor—"

"I swear if you say Sam Wilson," Natasha interrupts.

Steve turns red. "Sam Wilson."

"Wait…" Tony holds up a hand. "What does _that_ mean? Did you guys break the algorithm? Are you…" He narrows his eyes in suspicion. "Are you the same person?"

"I think that might be what it's saying," Bruce agrees.

"Natasha, you just found your brain twin," Clint says with a wide grin.

"Now, logically, wouldn't that just mean the test is null for them?" Bruce hypothesizes. "After all, if their thoughts and preferences are that in sync wouldn't they—"

"—still technically be the best suited to work with each other in the field even if they don't fall in each other's romantic plane," Tony continues, "or is it actually saying-"

"-because their list matches perfectly they _are_ also suited to one another romantically as well?" Bruce finishes.

"Huh?" Clint's grin morphs into confusion.

"It was probably English, but I didn't understand a word of it," Steve says.

"That's definitely something to consider if this algorithm is ultimately meant to serve that purpose," Tony says.

"Is nobody at all here concerned that it matched us to the same five people?" Steve raises an eyebrow and looks around at them.

"I was," Natasha admits, "but now that I think about it we are pretty similar." Then her lips twitch upward. "It's okay, Steve. I can share."

"Just think of all the potential threesomes," Tony says with a devious smirk, causing Steve to scowl and turn red again.

"I'd rather not," Bruce speaks up and there's laughter from everyone except Tony as his eyes widen in realization.

"Well, not with you," Tony backtracks. "I most certainly didn't mean with you. I already forbid you and Steve so obviously I forbid any combination that includes you and him."

"You're going to kill my sex life at this rate," Bruce replies with a chuckle. "And that's saying something because it's already dead."

"Okay, it is my turn," Thor interrupts, eager to share his list. "Number 5—"

"Don't say it. Don't you dare say it." Tony glares at him.

"Bruce," Thor says with a wide smile.

"What did you do?" Tony looks at the physicist dubiously. "Stuff the box with your name? Did you hack it while we were busy taking the test?"

"We both know that would be something _you_ would do, Tony," Bruce retorts. "Not me."

"Stark's just jealous he's not on anyone's list. Mr. Playboy isn't compatible with anyone and it makes him sad." Clint pouts.

Tony narrows his eyes at him. "I have a list of five people here that says otherwise, thank you very much." He then looks at Thor. "Please. Continue."

"Leo Fitz," Thor says and scrunches his face for a moment. "Ah, he is one of the young scientists that works with Jane now is he not?"

"He is," Bruce answers with a smile. "Along with Jemma Simmons."

"She's Number 3 on my list," Thor then says.

"Huh." Bruce gives a considering tilt of his head. "Me, Ftiz and Simmons. I think 'scientist' might be your type, Thor. Is Jane on your list too?"

"Number 1," he says with a bright smile.

"So, yeah, scientists," Bruce says with a thin smile.

"Am I Number 2 then?" Tony ventures. "Because given the theme it stands to reason it may be me."

"It is not," Thor says with a shake of his head. "Steve is Number 2." He smiles eagerly at the Captain sitting beside him.

"So we're each other's 2?" Steve studies the holoscreen and then looks at Thor intently. "That's… interesting."

"Interesting indeed," Tony says.

"Seeing as I'm not on either of your lists, I'm willing to bow out and let you two boys have each other," Natasha teases. "But Tony will be buying the video for me. Isn't that right?" She arches a brow in his direction.

"I'm a giving person, so yes."

"You're up, Doc," Clint says when the silence that follows becomes too awkward.

"Number 5, Dr. Banner," Bruce says and then furrows his brow. "Wait, a second... I'm... Okay, no. Phew. False alarm." Everyone laughs. "As implied before, Steve is on my list. He's Number 5."

"So if people 1 through 4 are out of the question," Clint interjects, "looks like you two still have each other as an option."

"What part of _forbidden_ doesn't make any sense to you?" Tony asks in exasperation.

"Oh, it makes sense," Clint replies with a shrug and Tony narrows his gaze on him.

"Number 4," Bruce interrupts just as Tony opens his mouth to respond, "Daisy Johnson."

"Also makes sense," Clint remarks and keeps his eyes trained on Tony with a tiny smirk playing at the edge of his lips.

"Number 3…" Bruce sighs. "Okay, who let Darcy have S.H.I.E.L.D. clearance? She shouldn't have been able to take this test, right?"

Thor gives a hearty laugh. "My friend, if Jane took this test then no power on Earth or in Asgard could have prevented Darcy from also taking it."

Bruce sighs again. "I'm not sure the algorithm understands me very much," he complains.

"Sure about that, Bruce?" Natasha quizzes and he furrows his brow.

"Pretty sure. I mean Number 2 isn't even legal."

"Oh my god," Tony interrupts, having been surprisingly lacking in commentary. "Don't tell me you got the spider-kid too."

"I… I did," Bruce answers with a shaky laugh and grimace.

"What the hell, right?" Tony says with his own laugh. "The algorithm should probably be adjusted to account for the fact that not everybody at The Academy or working for S.H.I.E.L.D. is over 18."

"I'm going to leave some feedback."

"And Number 1?" Steve asks.

"Oh, uh…" Bruce glances sheepishly at the man beside him. "Clint was wrong about Tony not being on any of our lists. He's on mine." Tony's mouth falls open and his eyes go distant. "So... Yeah. I guess that just leaves you, Tony. Tony?" He nudges the man.

Tony startles and looks at Bruce. "Oh, right. Right. Well, if you guys were hoping this test was accurate, it says my Number 5 is Natasha."

"Damn," Natasha says evenly. "I was looking forward to that video of Steve and Thor."

Tony snorts. "Well, maybe there's still hope if you and I agree on that," he says and she shrugs in a thoughtful manner.

"I'm just mildly disappointed you broke the streak," Bruce chimes in. "I was getting used to hearing my name after Number 5."

"Sorry," Tony says with a forced chuckle. "Number 4, Agent Simmons."

"So, the yin to Daisy's yang," Clint remarks with a raised brow and meaningful look between Tony and Bruce. "Interesting."

"Okay…" Tony says in an uncertain tone. "Number 3, and I swear I have no interest whatsoever so don't kill me, Dr. Foster." He glances at Thor.

Thor simply shrugs. "Perhaps you like scientists," he echoes Bruce's previous sentiment with a small smile.

"That… That theory might actually work," Tony says in a considering thought. "Since Number 2 is the spider-kid who's kind of a scientist and Number 1 is…" They all look at Bruce expectantly before he even turns his own gaze toward the physicist. "It's you, Bruce. Sorry if you were looking forward to being Number 5. You'll have to settle for being Number 1."

"Well," Bruce looks down, but then back up with a small smile," I guess I'll find a way to deal with it."

 

Later, when the test has been ridiculed and they've all gone different ways to pretend in secret they actually meant it when they'd laughed and agreed it meant nothing worth their consideration, Tony visits the lab. With just enough warning so Bruce doesn't panic he walks straight up to the physicist and spins him around so that he's practically trapped against his workbench.

"It's right, Bruce," Tony says, a little manically, as he searches Bruce's face. "It's wrong, but it's right. I mean, it's right, but it's wrong."

Bruce swallows hard. "What are you talking about? Is everything okay?"

"That damn algorithm. It got so many things wrong, but it was also right."

"Oh, is that what this is about?" Bruce leans back a little in the small space he has. "Of course it's both right and wrong. It may be an advanced algorithm, but its data is still limited. It's doubtful everyone has taken the test. And it doesn't seem to be able to differentiate yet between some things. Like obviously a lot of matches were based on type, but at the same time some were very likely genuine matches that—" He stops short and looks at Tony intently. "Were right," he finishes wish another hard swallow.

"I figured it out, Bruce," Tony says after a moment of them just staring at each other. "You're everybody's type."

"I…" Bruce's forehead creases. "Okay?" It's obviously not what he'd been expecting.

"You're so damn perfect that anybody would be happy to have someone like you," he says and leans in just a little.

"I don't think..." Bruce can't finish.

"But you're not just my type, Bruce. You're my match. It's wrong, but it's…"

"Right," Bruce breathes the word as his eyes close just before the short distance between them fades into an electric kiss. The kiss seems to last for days until they're forced to break apart. "I think I get it now," Bruce says breathily. "There's no way I'd likely date any of the other people on my list, but..."

"They're like me," Tony fills in the blanks. "The algorithm was trying to find people that answered like me. Which is a scary thought considering I maybe shared answers with both Darcy and Steve."

Bruce gives a shaky laugh. "But don't forget Peter. We both got Peter. That doesn't track."

"Peter's probably our lovechild. It confused the algorithm," Tony replies with a shaky laugh of his own.

"Let's face it." Bruce shakes his head. "The test was wrong."

"But we're not," Tony says and surges forward to capture Bruce's lips in another bruising kiss.

Bruce sighs contentedly when they break apart again and they press their foreheads together. "We're not," he agrees.

"As a superior artificial intelligence," JARVIS suddenly interjects, "I feel inclined to point out I could have told you this without the need for 150 questions."

Their eyes widen at the unexpected comment and then Tony and Bruce share a laugh. They shake their heads only for it to turn into more nuzzling.

"Also, sir," JARVIS adds, "I have finished your request and can confirm that Agent Coulson's top match is indeed Agent Barton."

"Couldn't resist?" Bruce asks in amusement.

"Just wanted to see how fucked our favorite archer really is. Maybe not so fucked after all," he says with a shrug. Then he squints. "Unless maybe literally speaking—"

"Let's not discuss Clint's sex life," Bruce protests quickly, pulling back and crossing his arms.

"You're right," Tony agrees and leans forward to brace his hands on the workbench, Bruce leaning back as he does. "Let's discuss ours instead."


End file.
